Keeping Up the Appearance

"But the Lord said to Samuel, do not consider his appearance or his height, for i have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7.

Man looks at outward things. I'm often reminded of 'Keeping Up Appearances' and how Mrs Bucket goes to so much trouble to 'keep up her appearance' that it makes her look ridiculous and drives her husband crazy. Sadly, i think we can be just like her. We can insist that we are like everyone else but ourselves.

I tend to judge people by their body language. Do they have eyes with life shining through and bright, or do they seem dark and lifeless? What is the reaction when we meet? Do they seem interested in who i am? Do they want to be seen with me? And what is their motive behind those compliments?

When God looks at our heart, he sees who we truely are. Our failures and our triumphs. Our likes and dislikes and our character. However much we think we suck, He still loves us. Don't you find that just incredibly amazing?! If only we knew who we truely are, and to know who we undoubtedly belong to.

When people see me, i want them to know who i am, the way God sees me, not just what i look like, or who i'm pretending to be. It may hurt me for them to see my failures, but it's who i am in God's eyes that should really count. My grandmother often tells me how much i look like the late Princess Diana. I wouldn't have minded the 'princess treatment', but i don't want people to judge me by appearances alone.

If people are looking at my heart, i need to make sure my heart is pure, and that whoevers looking at my heart is pointed firmly towards God. (Admire the art, but what is the art without the one who made it in the first place -a pure mon quote. Want another? "If there were really any good new years resolutions, i'd start today".) I want them to see how beautiful He is.

I'm focussing more on reading God's word and communicating with Him, I need to know and love Him if i'm to show others who God is. So, my heart needs a little 'buffing' in this area. Sometimes prayer is such a tedious task and i really wish it wasn't like that. Please pray for that, i'd be very much appreciative.

The Servant Attitude

John 13
Jesus Washes His Disciples' Feet
1It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love. (isn't it interesting how we can show love by being servants?)
2The evening meal was being served, and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus. 3Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; 4so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. 5After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
6He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, "Lord, are you going to wash my feet?"
7Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."
8"No," said Peter, "you shall never wash my feet." Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me."
9"Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"
10Jesus answered, "A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you." 11For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not every one was clean.
12When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. "Do you understand what I have done for you?" he asked them. 13"You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord,' and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. (I think it's awesome how God gave us an example. He didn't just say: "Do this", he showed us how!)15I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

I just thought this was a great passage. It's something that sometimes gets overlooked.

Impossibility

You guys know i like academic success right? Well, i know i do. I have a year until i get my UAI for uni. Last year i thought psychology, this year i thought education. Now i'm thinking of a mixture of education and counselling. Now you're wondering about the title. Am i saying something about this dream being impossible or was it just a random title to catch your attention? It's almost an impossibility.

You're also wondering why i changed the title of the blog to "Verification". Verification: confirmation, demonstration, evidence, proof, test, experiment, testimony, trial. You guys work out the significance.

Back to the impossibility. It's not exactly impossible, but it'll take a large amount of work to get to uni, so, as i said it's almost an impossibility.

My Room

I love my bed. My bed is an essential part of my life. I read, eat, work on my bed. I can't deny that i don't jump on my bed in excitement, nor can i deny that i punch my pillow in anger. All the same it's a handy bed to have.

I have a lamp besides my bed, that way i don't have to get out of bed to turn the light off. If there's a blackout, i have a little battery pop-up bookmark light that i can use sitting on the shelf next to my bed.

I have a plant on the window sill. It's droopy and dry. I think it reflects my life sometimes. My rebellious nature. It's not that i meant to ignore it, it's just...i don't haven't had time to water it. I'll water it tomorrow. It seems metaphorical, how my life can relate to that plant.

Next to my mirror i've stuck verses, sayings and my thoughts. They say it helps to memorise them. That doesn't work for me. I don't like looking in the mirror. That's tough for me to do... perhaps because i have to look into the real me then, not just the mask i hide behind.

But i love my view outside my window. I can see the lights of tamworth. Tamworth is actually called the City of light, it has that name because it was the first city to have a special type of electric light in the southern hemisphere. We also have a cross on the hill, and it shines so well. But so much of the name has been taken by psychics and the such. A shame. My view reminds me of my dream...to light up Tamworth. Something i plan to be doing next year.

Letting down our guard

"She's independent and beautiful
Wish i could be like her
Shes got the girls and the boys
So wrapped around her finger
Rumour is she's some kind of dream,
Nobody knows she cries herself to sleep

We are not that different from each other
We just want somebody to discover
Who we really are when we drop our guard..."

When i first heard "We" by Joy Williams on the radio, i decided it was a 'must-get' song. It related so much to me, and it was catchy. The second part made me really think. "We just want somebody to discover who we really are when we drop our guard...". I thought "wow, it's such a relief to know God knows me for who i am, and i don't have to hide behind a mask." Maybe that's what true friendship is. Not being perfect, but being ourselves and being loved for it!

I strive for that in my friendships. I don't want people to believe i'm somebody i'm not because they're bound to be disappointed. It's so tiring pretending that everything's fine when really, everything's spinning around, totally disorientating you. It's so much easier to say "Here i am -take me as i am, otherwise...uh...stuff you".

One thing i admire in friendships is how others can put up with you. Some events come to mind.

I have an addiction for adrenaline that i only realised in 2004. This addiction makes me want to go on every ride/ rollercoaster possible. So, after dragging my friend around the carnival at the country music festival, getting on the 'rock 'n' roll', my friend and i emerged covered in, no, i'll leave that to your imagination. That's not the only time i've thrown up on her, and it probably won't be the last.

I was on holidays in Brisbane last January and being pregnant (and not knowing it at the time) i had morning sickness every morning. This made my holiday so miserable. My friend noticed my miserableness and asked about it afterwards (and keeps asking). She took care of me, and our friendship grew through that time.

My card collection

I have a card collection.

The total equals around 50. I started the collection last year. They are all unique and different and there's only two pairs alike. I regularly read them as a quick 'pick me up'. They range from impersonal "To monica (insert card welcome here) hope santa comes love (insert sender here) to really deep meaningful words.

Some i know were painstakingly written. Both in the way of physical pain, and in utter heart-to-heart thoughts. The reasons they were made vary, some christmas cards; others, "i'm thinking of yous"; yet others, "congratulations on the arrival of michael" and some, as a quick hello. I love these cards, and i love the people who send them.

These cards sit on my shelf. My 'God shelf' i like to call it. The shelf lies at the foot of my bed, so it's easy to access them in the middle of the night. I don't really send cards to others. I write them letters. Depending on my mood, they can be up to six pages long. It takes dedication to write that much. But this is just another random fact in my life. A little insight into 'the mon you think you know'.

confessions of the mon

Yet despite all these good changes, i have been through a fair bit of hardship. I started this awhile ago, but i decided to finish it now.

My Dad was a member of a certain church for over 20 years, and when this whole situation happened things turned slightly sour. Of course, we weren't necessarily 'in' with the church, but we did make an effort to turn up. The minister strongly suggested that we adopt the babies (mine and my sisters) out. We could see where he was coming from. He did adopt a child himself. But mikey was mine. My parents agreed it was my decision and the minister suggested enforcing adoption. Thus creating a riff between us and the church. Since then we feel totally excommunicated from this church. We joke about "if they see us, they might turn blind" -but the hurts still there.

I've always been a competitive person. My sister and i have always competed. We're two different people, yet we can't get over the fact that we've each got strong points. For example, I've always won over my sister with the "best girl" trophies from Girls' Brigade, and she's won trophies from the eisteddfords. Recently she won an award at school. Once a week a student from each year gets a chocolate, a top deck. Within 3 weeks of school she receives one. Something i never accomplished in one and half years. My sisters also awesome with computer games. Something i am not. So that's something i'm struggling with.

I guess nothing much has changed though. I still have the same dark secrets, the same broken relationships, and the same heartbreaks. By no means do i want this to be some sad post. I'm just trying to balance the good with the bad, leak out some 'monness' for you to get a real picture of who i am. Virtually impossible online, but, i'm trying to be a little more realistic.

Paul asked me to write up in my blog how i've changed being a mother. Because my night is rather stagnant, and uneventful, i might as well start. There are three main ways i can think of. These are :

*Spiritually
*Practically
*Emotionally

Spiritually i have changed my view about God. I used to think that he was far distant, probably less interested in my life than in others. I realised that he has cared for me, even if it didn't feel like it. This change may have come about because I've had a lot of time to reflect on my circumstances.

Spiritually i have been more receptive to God. I can calm down and rely on him for rest during my hectic day. Looking up at the stars can reinforce peacefulness and then I suppose i'm more then ready to hear God. This change may have occurred because I've come to know that God knows, and cares and His way is best.

Spiritually i don't feel i have to seek God's approval. I don't have to 'do good' just to please Him. God is already pleased with me, however, i serve because i want to. This change happened because i figured God doesn't want me to be 'supermum', he just wants me to be the best I can. He wants me to be 'me'.

Emotionally i don't feel pressured to find someone to love me. I don't need to find someone to love me because i'm already loved. Someone to love me for 'me' has always been there. Why this change? Because through more careful reading through God's word, it's plain to see He's the one that loves me!

Emotionally i don't need to rely on someone to help me. God's always there to help me, and He can do anything. I don't need someone to pick me up all the time. This perspective changed because God has helped me to know that it's okay to feel down sometimes, I just need to talk to Him.

Emotionally i don't feel resentment towards my experience. This experience has taught me so much and has made me grow. If i didn't have this whole experience i may still be trying to skirt around God. I must have changed by just giving this experience to God and letting Him do all the work.

Physically i take better care of myself. I have Mikey to take care of and not taking care of myself is not the best way to go about caring. I take care of myself by eating better, sleeping better and being 'me'. I found this change was important because what use would i be to Mikey if i was sick or tired all the time?

Physically i know i need to be stronger. Not just mentally or spiritually but physically as well. I go for a walk occasionally, dance occasionally and i'm looking for some kind of sport team. I figure Mikey is getting heavier and the fitter i am, the longer i can pick him up and cuddle him. It's also a part of taking care of myself.

Physically i have changed my priorities and timetable, or lack there of. Studying God and schoolwork can take a lot out of my day, and now with Mikey i have to organise my day. I'v tried to do this by a method i like to call 'responsible multitasking', or making use of that time i can so easily waste, but also organise time just to dream, socialise, and live. If i didn't change my organisation skills. ie. no skills., my days would pass me by. Seize the day.

So that's the main changes i have thought about. There are perhaps more that i haven't thought of, but this is just for you to get the general gist of my day/ life. Without these changes, i would be stuck and helpless. I just want to be the best 'me' i can be. A change in life can enhance the journey.