I used to think my life was boring because I felt like I had no story to tell. I grew up in a Christian home, and went to a Christian school. I don’t remember ever not knowing who Jesus is and what he has done for me. As a teenager I began to know what following Jesus really meant. I became fascinated with those who had real faith in Jesus -to the extent of giving up their own lives. I knew my faith was pitiful by comparison.

They say that real faith shows its colours in the midst of trouble. Like a teabag in boiling water. At 17 I felt like I was only drowning in this water. Take this as a warning; my life has not been pretty. I was sexually assaulted over a prolonged period of time and it has caused me a great deal of pain. For the first time, my life felt out of control.

Sometimes, during this time, I would wonder where God was. I think deep down I knew he was there...somewhere. I still struggle with the concept that of Him being present in my hurt and sometimes I wonder how He could watch...and do nothing. Sometimes I wonder if I was to blame, or whether I could have done something differently to avoid the situation. I frequently have to remind myself of who God is and how he showed his love for me –and that he watched His son die. I have to remind myself that I cannot be blamed for another person’s choice.

I know that God is in control at all times. He has our lives planned. Even when it seems that he has disappeared, our lives bear the fingerprints of God. I enjoyed studying Esther this semester because nowhere does it mention God. By not mentioning God at all, the author puts God in the spotlight. It is such an intricate narrative of how God is in control, even when his people are in exile. To have a God who cares so much to orchestrate our lives is such a relief.

I praise God that He has brought me out of my darkness and pain. My prayer is that you too will find this joy in the midst of trouble. If I had to live my life again, I would still choose to go through all that pain because it has brought me to this place of faith. My life is better having this heartache. I can see some of the good in this pain. I don’t think I understand it all but I look forward to the day when I can ask God face- to- face: why? And I am convinced I will respond to His answer with absolute praise and wonder.