Pure

One of the things i have really struggled with since the abuse was that i didn't feel i was pure and therefore it seems like i can't come to God. It feels like i am so tainted and dirty that to come to God would totally shame him and he'd turn away. I know he'd never turn away from his precious child, one he definitely did not want to lose.

I also know that the real dirt and contamination came from the one that abused me.

I can see Jesus reaching out to me, and crying out to me, and yet i refuse his touch... his touch of deep healing and refreshment. I can see how much he wants me to come to him, and yet, i refuse to because of my shame. I can see him cry and i know he wants me to come to him, and yet i refuse to because i feel that i can never be the daughter he wants me to be.

I can see Jesus touching my heart, telling me that even in my shame and the dirtiness i feel, i can come to him, come to him to make me whole again. I can see Jesus hugging me, telling me i don't have to be strong...that i need to lean on him. I can see Jesus crying with me, showing me that when everything has crumbled, and i see there's no hope, that he is THE hope. That he is THE love i 've been seeking, the light i've been missing in my soul.

And that is where he picks me up and tightly hugs me. He tells me again, and again that he loves me as his precious child and that he would never hurt me, that this was to bring about some purpose in my life. He tells me once again that he loves me and this time i can not but help to believe it because he is the hope in my life.