I used to think my life was boring because I felt like I had no story to tell. I grew up in a Christian home, and went to a Christian school. I don’t remember ever not knowing who Jesus is and what he has done for me. As a teenager I began to know what following Jesus really meant. I became fascinated with those who had real faith in Jesus -to the extent of giving up their own lives. I knew my faith was pitiful by comparison.

They say that real faith shows its colours in the midst of trouble. Like a teabag in boiling water. At 17 I felt like I was only drowning in this water. Take this as a warning; my life has not been pretty. I was sexually assaulted over a prolonged period of time and it has caused me a great deal of pain. For the first time, my life felt out of control.

Sometimes, during this time, I would wonder where God was. I think deep down I knew he was there...somewhere. I still struggle with the concept that of Him being present in my hurt and sometimes I wonder how He could watch...and do nothing. Sometimes I wonder if I was to blame, or whether I could have done something differently to avoid the situation. I frequently have to remind myself of who God is and how he showed his love for me –and that he watched His son die. I have to remind myself that I cannot be blamed for another person’s choice.

I know that God is in control at all times. He has our lives planned. Even when it seems that he has disappeared, our lives bear the fingerprints of God. I enjoyed studying Esther this semester because nowhere does it mention God. By not mentioning God at all, the author puts God in the spotlight. It is such an intricate narrative of how God is in control, even when his people are in exile. To have a God who cares so much to orchestrate our lives is such a relief.

I praise God that He has brought me out of my darkness and pain. My prayer is that you too will find this joy in the midst of trouble. If I had to live my life again, I would still choose to go through all that pain because it has brought me to this place of faith. My life is better having this heartache. I can see some of the good in this pain. I don’t think I understand it all but I look forward to the day when I can ask God face- to- face: why? And I am convinced I will respond to His answer with absolute praise and wonder.

Oh God
Hear my cry,
Catch me when my world
Is failing
It is dying
and I am losing
focus

Oh God be there to
Guide me
Guard me
Be my shield
To protect me from
The darkness.

May your hand rest upon me
as I seek to carry this cross I bear

The cup v.2

I wanted to repost this poem I wrote two years ago, and bring a bit more insight into it.

When you read 'cup' think also of the word 'destiny'.

The Cup

The cup that tore shreds in the bottom of Your soul, was the same one that bore the medicine my soul needed most.

Free to throw that cup away, You chose to drink it, even though it was what You dreaded. But it was what i was dying for.

Looking into that cup You saw the evil that would course through Your veins and it was the only cup that would be able to revive myself again.

The cup Your Father held out was not a wine glass toast in honour of You, but it would be the toast that would save me.

Swirls of evil, colours of black fading to grey losing momentum tempting You to turn away.

You must have seen my face somewhere and loved me too much to drop the tears of that wine into the mud.

No Accident

I told you yesterday, and I'll tell you again: God knew you before you were even born., he has a specific purpose for your life. And guess what, you wouldn't be alive if God didn't want to create you.

He worked out every tiny detail of your life. How long your toenails would grow from March 10 - April 15. That you have that peculiar mannerism whenever you're nervous.
He knew the date you were to be born, and the length of your life.
He knew where you'd be born, and your place in the world.
Even how you would be born.

Everything about you, God knew it all. Every precise detail.

Your parents had the exact DNA to make the perfect custom 'you'.

He even took into account sin and human error. He knew Mikey J would be born a specific way - all for His purpose. His awesome purpose.

He made you so that He could show you his love. His love is totally reliable. He created the world, because of you... Oh it wasn't like he was lonely or anything, he didn't need to create you. He made you because of His love.

Imagine you are the result of pure random chance, the roll of a die. Life has no meaning.

But God made you for a reason and you'll discover it when you focus on your creator.

Without God, life doesn't make sense.

Colossians 1:16b

People think that the way to know the meaning and the purpose of your life depend on who you are as a person. Your dreams and aspirations, your happiness.

I've learnt that isn't necessarily the case. I can look at a blank envelope, and although I could tell you that envelopes are for sending information, i couldnt tell you what the specific envelope is intended for. Life is like that.

You could speculate that the blank envelope will contain a birthday invitation, but you don't know for sure. You could tell me you have no idea, and we'd both be clueless, you could make something up, and we'd be believing a lie, or we could ask the sender and we'd both have a revelation.

We can't focus on ourselves to know our purpose. We could become successful and achieve all our purposes and desires, but still miss what God's purpose for our life. God had a purpose for us long before we ever appeared on the scene. Let God work his purpose through you, become who God wants you to be.

We must focus on the Creator, have a personal relationship with Him and seek His word.



Lord, help us to seek you to know our life's purpose. Help us to drown out the voices that say it's all about us. Be with us as we live for You,
We love you,
Amen

I wanted to tell you to rethink where your life is heading
But i know its not my life, its yours.
It wasnt a shock to know, it just made me confused.
And now i wonder where you are in your faith.

I dont want to be judgemental, i dont want to criticise.
I dont want to push you away from the one who understands.
I dont want you to think less of me, but we are two different people.
So please, i don't want to lose this friendship just because of this

Please make a way through this wilderness.
Please provide a river in this desert.
Stay with me, I long for company.
Enable me to see your provision,
And guide me though this mess.