UNMASKED

2011-11-14T04:07:00.001-08:00

I used to think my life was boring because I felt like I had no story to tell. I grew up in a Christian home, and went to a Christian school. I don’t remember ever not knowing who Jesus is and what he has done for me. As a teenager I began to know what following Jesus really meant. I became fascinated with those who had real faith in Jesus -to the extent of giving up their own lives. I knew my faith was pitiful by comparison.

They say that real faith shows its colours in the midst of trouble. Like a teabag in boiling water. At 17 I felt like I was only drowning in this water. Take this as a warning; my life has not been pretty. I was sexually assaulted over a prolonged period of time and it has caused me a great deal of pain. For the first time, my life felt out of control.

Sometimes, during this time, I would wonder where God was. I think deep down I knew he was there...somewhere. I still struggle with the concept that of Him being present in my hurt and sometimes I wonder how He could watch...and do nothing. Sometimes I wonder if I was to blame, or whether I could have done something differently to avoid the situation. I frequently have to remind myself of who God is and how he showed his love for me –and that he watched His son die. I have to remind myself that I cannot be blamed for another person’s choice.

I know that God is in control at all times. He has our lives planned. Even when it seems that he has disappeared, our lives bear the fingerprints of God. I enjoyed studying Esther this semester because nowhere does it mention God. By not mentioning God at all, the author puts God in the spotlight. It is such an intricate narrative of how God is in control, even when his people are in exile. To have a God who cares so much to orchestrate our lives is such a relief.

I praise God that He has brought me out of my darkness and pain. My prayer is that you too will find this joy in the midst of trouble. If I had to live my life again, I would still choose to go through all that pain because it has brought me to this place of faith. My life is better having this heartache. I can see some of the good in this pain. I don’t think I understand it all but I look forward to the day when I can ask God face- to- face: why? And I am convinced I will respond to His answer with absolute praise and wonder.

2009-05-27T17:28:00.000-07:00

Oh God
Hear my cry,
Catch me when my world
Is failing
It is dying
and I am losing
focus

Oh God be there to
Guide me
Guard me
Be my shield
To protect me from
The darkness.

May your hand rest upon me
as I seek to carry this cross I bear

The cup v.2

2009-04-07T06:06:00.000-07:00

I wanted to repost this poem I wrote two years ago, and bring a bit more insight into it.

When you read 'cup' think also of the word 'destiny'.

The Cup

The cup that tore shreds in the bottom of Your soul, was the same one that bore the medicine my soul needed most.

Free to throw that cup away, You chose to drink it, even though it was what You dreaded. But it was what i was dying for.

Looking into that cup You saw the evil that would course through Your veins and it was the only cup that would be able to revive myself again.

The cup Your Father held out was not a wine glass toast in honour of You, but it would be the toast that would save me.

Swirls of evil, colours of black fading to grey losing momentum tempting You to turn away.

You must have seen my face somewhere and loved me too much to drop the tears of that wine into the mud.

No Accident

2007-10-28T02:57:00.000-07:00

I told you yesterday, and I'll tell you again: God knew you before you were even born., he has a specific purpose for your life. And guess what, you wouldn't be alive if God didn't want to create you.

He worked out every tiny detail of your life. How long your toenails would grow from March 10 - April 15. That you have that peculiar mannerism whenever you're nervous.
He knew the date you were to be born, and the length of your life.
He knew where you'd be born, and your place in the world.
Even how you would be born.

Everything about you, God knew it all. Every precise detail.

Your parents had the exact DNA to make the perfect custom 'you'.

He even took into account sin and human error. He knew Mikey J would be born a specific way - all for His purpose. His awesome purpose.

He made you so that He could show you his love. His love is totally reliable. He created the world, because of you... Oh it wasn't like he was lonely or anything, he didn't need to create you. He made you because of His love.

Imagine you are the result of pure random chance, the roll of a die. Life has no meaning.

But God made you for a reason and you'll discover it when you focus on your creator.

Without God, life doesn't make sense.

2007-10-27T03:11:00.001-07:00

Colossians 1:16b

People think that the way to know the meaning and the purpose of your life depend on who you are as a person. Your dreams and aspirations, your happiness.

I've learnt that isn't necessarily the case. I can look at a blank envelope, and although I could tell you that envelopes are for sending information, i couldnt tell you what the specific envelope is intended for. Life is like that.

You could speculate that the blank envelope will contain a birthday invitation, but you don't know for sure. You could tell me you have no idea, and we'd both be clueless, you could make something up, and we'd be believing a lie, or we could ask the sender and we'd both have a revelation.

We can't focus on ourselves to know our purpose. We could become successful and achieve all our purposes and desires, but still miss what God's purpose for our life. God had a purpose for us long before we ever appeared on the scene. Let God work his purpose through you, become who God wants you to be.

We must focus on the Creator, have a personal relationship with Him and seek His word.

Lord, help us to seek you to know our life's purpose. Help us to drown out the voices that say it's all about us. Be with us as we live for You,
We love you,
Amen

2007-09-13T03:59:00.000-07:00

I wanted to tell you to rethink where your life is heading
But i know its not my life, its yours.
It wasnt a shock to know, it just made me confused.
And now i wonder where you are in your faith.

I dont want to be judgemental, i dont want to criticise.
I dont want to push you away from the one who understands.
I dont want you to think less of me, but we are two different people.
So please, i don't want to lose this friendship just because of this

2007-06-23T22:28:00.000-07:00

Please make a way through this wilderness.
Please provide a river in this desert.
Stay with me, I long for company.
Enable me to see your provision,
And guide me though this mess.

2007-06-21T01:50:00.000-07:00

Do not hide Your face from me -
Do not be scarce from me at all.
Please hear me out,
Before I trip and fall.

I need some direction and
Please meet with me here.
I need some help from above because
Right now there is a lot of mistrust and fear.

I want to see You,
I want to see Your face.
Please give me some guidance
In this God-forsaken rat race.

Please destroy the barrier between us,
Let me see this giant wall fall down
Because I can not be away from You.

2007-06-14T01:49:00.000-07:00

What are you scared of?
Why does this make you nervous?
I am there to catch you, so
Why is fear creeping past your door?

Scared of their accusations?
Scared you are unable to match this feat?
Scared to fall?
Scared of their critique?

I have called you to this
I have chosen to give you the plan
And if I have your best interests at heart,
What are you waiting for?

Jehovah Shammah

2007-06-13T01:51:00.000-07:00

Make me an instrument

Let me sing a tune

Because I'm wondering where the song went.

One with a divine touch

That only a mother can bring about

Whether it's mine, it doesn't matter much.

Made by the Author

Of love and understanding

Because He's the One that saw.

Whole

2007-06-07T01:53:00.000-07:00

Clay remoulded
A life made new
I was defected
But the old has become remade
And I am now whole

I didnt see it coming
Til I saw it in your eye
Just a flash
Of what my new life would be
And now I am whole

In hindsight I see
What I could have done
To save my life and conscience
Now I know You saved me
And now I am whole

You saved the day
I am free because of You
All things now made new
My prison gates flung open
And now I am whole

Because of You
Your death and empty grave
You reign in me
Shining your light
And now I am whole

Hey you

2007-05-31T01:50:00.000-07:00

hey you.

yeah you, the one reading this line:

Can you honestly say that you are living a meaningful life, or does it seem to drift day by day swirling into the drain?

In your day, what do you do? and does it really matter in the long run of things?

What are you planning tomorrow? and does it make a difference?

How many minutes go by before you realised that you've wasted some?

I was just wondering, if one little striped fish decided to swim away from the school and the norm would it make a difference?

Maybe not to us. We dont care about what happens to most other people, let alone a fishes.

So what would happen if just for today you did something different, something others thought weird or strange?

Would it start a chain reaction if someone saw you doing something different to the crowd and felt inspired to do something odd too?

Maybe it doesnt have to be strange to make a difference.

Maybe all you have to do is care.

What I did today v.1

2007-05-17T04:21:00.000-07:00

I walked today. Mikey and I walked downtown to meet Chris because he was getting his bike serviced.
I went to bible study. We're studying Micah at the moment. I was a little distracted because Ray had Rookie music on. Actually both Ray and I were distracted, but we are both big Christian music fans. In fact, we're both old-time christian music fans. Amy Grant, Petra, Newsboys.
I practised my flute today for the first time in about a year. I managed to convince Ray to let me borrow his Amy Grant music book. So I practised the songs I knew.

2007-05-17T01:49:00.000-07:00

Don't ever tell me you can't do something that I appointed you to do.
I designed you especially for this purpose.
Your life has been leading up to this.
Why are you so afraid?
You may think that you are incapable of achieving it,
But I am still training you.
I am with you, you can do it in My strength alone.
Surely my plans will never fail.
And because you are Mine,
My child who loves Me,
Everything will work out for your good.
Don't be afraid of what I have planned.
Even in the midst of a storm, I will carry you,
Because You are mine.
Be strong little one,
For my purpose will be brought about.
There is never a plan B, C or D.
My plan A is absolutely dependable.
For I am God, I am almighty, I am reliable.
Don't ever tell me you can't do something I have appointed you to do.

2007-05-15T00:23:00.000-07:00

confusion is like a smoke wisp wrapping a thick cloud of poison around my heart
disillusion - the state my heart seems to always be in when I fall so hard
conclusion is all I search for some closure to the dark
musin' is the thing i might just have to be doing.

future

2007-05-10T01:50:00.000-07:00

future of the light
future of the certain
future of mine and future unburdened

future pure
future for sure
future for His child and future free

future white
future faithful
future for His dear one, and future liberated

2007-05-10T00:30:00.000-07:00

Be strong and courageous

-77-

2007-05-08T03:12:00.000-07:00

I dont want to despair, but i have to confess: -
That there's one thing i desire, and wonder if God could care less.
I know it's in His plan and I know it is what he wants
But if that is true, why do I stuggle,
And why is it after me it haunts?

It is something I was made for, and yet something i chose,
Something deep in my heart, where no one else knows.
I feel like the dog chasing the hare -
Something that never seems attainable and
It just doesnt feel fair.

I seek and search for it every night.
I cry myself to sleep and can't keep up the fight,
To live as His woman, the girl He planned me to be.
He'll have to show me the way because i am stuck,
I'm lost down the road, my destiny faint to see.

Does He really know what i want, because i tell him 'most all the time.
Or maybe I did something wrong, does he stop listening just because of crime?
Maybe I need faith to show Him I know He's got this planned
I know He does what is right, I can see it from my past.
Is there something else i need to do to keep this fire fanned?

I will rely on what You have done
Not wearily listen to the lies, no, none.
You've proven to everyone what You can do
And it's not my place to disbelieve
Because You will work this through.

A new thing

2007-05-02T22:15:00.000-07:00

A new thing You will bring about in me.
A new thing I will see,
Because You make everything new -
Renewal is a blessing I choose.

The blessing I want to be,
The beauty I wish everyone could see.
You make everything glorious -
And that's what I want you to bring about in me.

Help me to believe everything I can be
Just living for You, that's all I want to do.
Please show me today how You can make this true.
Change me and make me anew.

Closer to You

2007-05-01T20:19:00.000-07:00

Closer to You, closer to You
Reaching past the mile, past the ocean blue.
Knowing You are there somewhere
Beyond my grasp and beyond my desperate reach
Acknowledging my hunger and thirst for You.
Seeing me in the distance knowing I dont have a clue,
And here I am, standing here dying for that touch
All because I know that with You everything is made new.
Closer to You, closer to You
Until we are no longer two.

I'm Watching You

2007-04-19T01:56:00.000-07:00

I saw you by the riverside when you were watching the sunset
I saw you when you were walking alone -mostly alone, and the rain began to pour.
I saw you when you sitting on your bed, praying and hoping for the turn of the next tide.
I saw you then, I see you now, and I will keep watching you, blessed one.
I will not let the fire consume you, I will pick you up and watch over you now and forevermore.

Happy B'day Bec (and Laura)

2007-04-17T01:57:00.000-07:00

I look up to the people high
I see their life but mines way down.
Envious of what they seem
Not looking my way to see
That I am blessed
I nearly missed that fact
I missed what I have
A heart
A home
A friend indeed
And a life owned by my King

2007-04-16T01:59:00.000-07:00

Lord. How often I go through my days rushed. Trying to get everything done, rarely giving a thought to You. When You are the bread of Life my own life must be deprived.

2007-04-11T16:11:00.000-07:00

Come thirsty one, come and drink.
Why do you waste your time and labour on things that do not matter?
Come and drink with Me and be filled.
Do not waste your time any longer.
I will give you all you need. Water and food.
Provisions galore. Jehovah Jireh

2007-04-10T02:05:00.000-07:00

Thankyou for Your sacrifice. Thankyou for my new life. Thankyou for everything.

Speeding Up the Heat

2007-04-10T01:53:00.000-07:00

Raw emotions spelling out my fears, tears and exhaustion
I know not which way to go, there are no signposts along this road.
Tiredness overcomes the essence of what i once called my soul.
The heat and passion have slowed and faded
They say that there's no rest for the wicked.
Fustrations pour as the pounding of my feet leads me nowhere in particular
The mask of weariness have faded the oil of kindled fire.
Where am I going?
Where do I turn?
I choose to turn to You oh Lord.
I vow to tell of your goodness once this cloud has passed.
My emotions, I gladly thrust upon your shoulders.
You can deal with them. I have no need to have them anymore.
Direct my path Oh Lord, show me which way to go and i will follow
To the best of my ability i will run after You.
My soul is yours and always has been and this is why, Oh Lord, I'm turning this over to you.

2007-04-09T02:04:00.000-07:00

Hear the strings of the violin. Hear the beats of the drum. Hear the pain of my heart
As You walk down the path headed towards Your death.
Hear the children play. Hear the rhythms of the whistling trees. Hear the moaning of the world lost. The moans You replace with Your own.
Hear the birds singing. Hear the waves of the breeze. Hear the first sounds of a morning without You here. I thought You were gone forever.

Watching

2007-04-05T01:57:00.000-07:00

I watch the blood
The tears. They pour down your beautiful face, makes me shed tears also. So many tears, and yet you chose this path.
The pain
The mocking laughter. It pierces my ears, brings a lump to my throat. How can they, how can I, mock you?
The ridicle
The nails. They cut into the flesh. The trickles rush down to meet my face. They wash me clean as i kneel to you.
The crown
The sweat. It mixes with the blood and the tears and the mingled mess course down your back. But this mess fixes my own tattered mess.
And I watch the victory.

Thankyou.

2007-04-03T03:09:00.000-07:00

Jehovah Jireh "The Lord will provide" You provide for all my needs. Thankyou.
Jehovah Rophe "The Lord who heals" You heal me. Thankyou.
Jehovah M'Kaddesh "The Lord who sanctifies" You sanctify me. Thankyou.
Jehovah Shalom "The Lord our peace" You give me peace. Thankyou.
Jehovah Tsidkenu "The Lord our righteousness" You give me righteousness. Thankyou.
Jehovah Rohi "the Lord our shepherd" You are my shepherd. Thankyou.
Jehovah Shammah: The Lord is there" You are there for me. Thankyou.

A Lonely Plea

2007-03-31T02:55:00.000-07:00

Creaks on a wooden floor and whispers in the dark.
Cherishing every movement of the night.
No one goes with me but i still will follow you.

You have no one to call, no voice to hold dear.
On through the dusk no fleeting glance.
They have all turned away.

But not me Lord, I pray it not be so.
I want to travel in past the pain of it all.
I kneel down and grasp your hand.
Lead me on, dear Lord, lead me on.

Amen.

Collection of a confessed wimp's prayers

2007-03-30T04:15:00.000-07:00

Lord, You set me free from the evil that owned me. You paid the price so that I am Yours. Let me act like i am Yours Almighty, let my heart be devoted to You, because You are my life.

Lord help me to understand what you went through this Easter. Let me know the painful lows and the tears you cried.

For one such as me,
Lord how could you do such a thing?

Let me be like you, self-sacrificing, all-loving, never bitter towards your enemies.

You are my life, You are my all, You are my shelter and all that i look forward to.

Amen

Voice of a Betrayer

2007-03-30T03:29:00.000-07:00

Hoarse and spiteful, pained and bitten my voice screams from the desert.
The hate fills in my eyes and my grimace bears all. I don't need what You can give
Because You are just like the rest -I can't compare to You.
The crooked teeth of lies and scorn have spoken.
You took my alibi and my way of life.

I dare not say the words. My Master, my King. I chose another road.
My lips burn as they touch your face. Darkness in contrast with pure light.
Clash against purity. Clash against love.
My desire is more important than You. I know what's best for me.
Stay out of my way -The fowl stench has spoken.
My way. My fate. My death.

I turn towards any escape route i can find, to block the vile tongue inside.
Hunger paws through my heart for the emptiness kills me inside.
I fall to the ground hiding from the cruel lashings i brought upon myself.
But i look up because You are still there. You step up to my mess.
I beg You to turn away, hide from me Lord because I've stuffed up again.
Don't die for me, don't take my pain. I deserve it all.

My God. I am just like Judas, I've betrayed you again.
All the lies and pain you bind up to take upon your back.
This time i can say no words.
"I am He" you speak, and no one can contest.
For your love for me surpasses all my mess.
The pure has spoken, and the journey continues.
And all because of me.

A challenge.

2007-03-29T05:36:00.000-07:00

Anyone who wants to follow Me must let Me take control. You can't be at the steering wheel, because that's My place. Embrace your pain -and I will show you how. You can't help yourself. If you sacrifice yourself you will save yourself, that is the way. If you get everything you ever wanted and in the process lose who you are...what good will that do you?
Mark 8:34-7. Mon style.

When Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, He was in a battle of the wills. "...Yet not my will, but Thine be done". Self- sacrifice. Laying down your desire to let God take control.

Jesus, enable me to do just that. Let me lie down what i want so i can be freed up to do your will. Take control of my driver's seat 'cause Lord i know I'm going to crash big-time. You know the exact twists and turns and i might just lose the brakes on this one.
Amen.

Watch and Pray!

2007-03-29T04:46:00.000-07:00

I slid through the mud onto my knees and my feet gave way to the darkness underneath. The grated cold chilled my flesh and imprinted my elbows with it's laugh. I lifted my chin as my lips trembled and my tears left a stream flowing into the blood. Lord this hurts so much... why does it have to be this way?

Child hold on...be strong. Watch and pray.

I lifted the covers up above my knees and shivered trying to repress the memories. The darkness wafted in and permeated my being like a stench. I lifted up my arms as my face fell forward. Lord this hurts too much...why are you letting this darkness stay?

Child hold on...be strong. In time you will see how all this was meant to be. But for now, watch and pray.

I climbed up to the top of the mountain, and searched every sea trying to see what Your master plan was meant to be. I knew there would be more hard times, i knew i couldnt stay. I am falling asleep and I don't know what tomorrow will be. I lift my hands up to the sky, I raise my eyes to look into grace. Lord this will hurt so much...do i dare trust you with what will be?

Child, keep on, stay strong. Watch and pray.

John 3:16

2007-03-29T04:15:00.000-07:00

I have heard those words so many times before. The words seem to drift in but seem to fade away before they reach my heart. I don't want it to be that way, because these words are meant to have power. Jesus, You had that all-consuming passion that led you to that cross. I feel that fiery fervour needs to sink in when I read it. Your Father's love for me, and for everyone else on the planet compelled You to take upon my sin, all that unwanted crap and mess. You and your father must have had an awesome bond that I could never understand, and such a love that I could never fathom. And He sent You. And when you took my sin, my filth, it was to set me free from my sin and bondage. But i had to believe in You, believe in who You are to be free and to fly. And have eternal life -to live forever, to never cease to live.

Oh Jesus please help us to understand what it cost you to set us free. We thank You for what You gave us. You are so awesome and almighty. This coming Easter prepare our hearts and let us turn to You. Amen.

Memoirs of an incoming save

2007-03-29T03:51:00.000-07:00

The Cup

The cup that tore shreds in the bottom of Your soul, was the same one that bore the medicine my soul needed most.
Free to throw that cup away, You chose to drink it, even though it was what You dreaded. But it was what i was dying for.
Looking into that cup You saw the evil that would course through Your veins and it was the only cup that would be able to revive myself again.
The cup Your Father held out was not a wine glass toast in honour of You, but it would be the toast that would save me.
Swirls of evil, colours of black fading to grey losing momentum tempting You to turn away. You must have seen my face somewhere and loved me too much to drop the tears of that wine into the mud.

Married Life

2007-02-23T00:49:00.000-08:00

Jess this is what my dress looks like lol, and yes i'm wearing a cape.

Bec, Some couples were really helpful, in particular, some i met last year.
They showed me how Christ must be the centre of our relationship. We met on a regular basis/talked over the phone often, and these little talks just were so encouraging and uplifting.

Jess, Before i was married i had to be totally certain that i was focussed upon God, that this indeed was what he wanted. I had to know that friends were praying for me, and that God would be with me all the way.
At my hens night my bridesmaid organised my friends to write some advice. At the moment two pop up into my mind.
The first from my maid of honour: Trust in God and everything will be sweet, and the second : Love is a choice, choose everyday to love boof no matter what he does. I read over the advice the night before the wedding and it really inspired me.

Chesed: covenant love

2007-01-22T02:41:00.000-08:00

There are 19 days left til I'm married.
And that's a really huge step.

If you had told me 12 months ago that i was going to get married, i would have laughed. That reminds me of Sarai. She laughed God's messengers told her that she was going to have a child.

I remember a conversation with my friend that went along the lines of: "Im never going to find a guy...who's going to want me now i'm tainted?" To which she replied: "If he's the right guy, that won't matter to him".

I think everythings going fine preparation-wise. Except for makeup. I'm still doing research for that. Note to bride-to-bes: Ask for help, make lots of friends, and preps going to be so much easier.

How about you guys ask specific questions?

reflections

2006-10-26T05:51:00.000-07:00

I'm not particularly inspired tonight. Actually I havent been for the last few months. Maybe its HSC overload or something like that. I really wanted to write some decent entry too, just for my avid blog readers...

I am msn msging my ex-boyfriend, and seeing that i haven't talked to him for months, that is rather odd. He initiated the conversation so i guessed that i should talk back. There's still some hurt there i think, from way back. Nothing too deep. We weren't that close in the first place, communication wasn't really our thing.

Which is different from our relationship, Chris and I. Well sort of. As you know, before we became official, we would chat for hours (in person) about anything at anytime. We don't do that much anymore...which is bad because we should. And of course we will, now that the HSC is over we'll be able to concentrate on that.

I sent my associate pastor a message about the Zambia thing (see earlier posts) but he hasn't replied yet. Two weeks and counting... is it because i haven't been at church?

Free!

2006-10-24T22:38:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here in disbelief thinking about the fact i have actually finished school.

wow.

Now...what to do with the rest of my life.

I think i really need to empty out the unit. I have all these study materials that just need to be thrown away.

wow.

I've really finished.

2006-10-04T05:25:00.000-07:00

A lot of you have been pressuring me to make another post. So here it is:

Lets start of with what has happened since my last post.

I got my Queens Award
I got a flat
Ive started playing squash every week

Oh i just read this:

AFRICA : Teenage Mothers School Project - Zambia
It has been observed that most girls are failing to continue with their education as a result of teenage pregnancy. Although the Ministry of Education has come up with a policy of allowing teenage mothers to go back to school after delivery, very few are doing so.
Research has shown that girls are failing to go back because they are not sensitized on the policy and their fundamental educational rights. They also find it difficult to leave their babies and stay in school for eight hours. Other girls in school also ridicule them thus feelings of being out of place. It is also noted that the men responsible for their pregnancy often abandon them without any form of support.
The Girls' Brigade of Zambia seeks to bring teenage mothers back to school and promote the importance and rights of education for girls and also provide good baby care to affected teenage mothers.

That sounds like something i want to be a part of, but Zambia...? Odd place, i don't know if id want to move that far...especially with Mikey. Though it does sound intriguing.

2006-08-17T06:20:00.000-07:00

I was flicking through paperwork on my bed, and i noticed a few bits of paper stuck together with a staple. The heading read "Career Information No 8", now usually i don't even read them, but for some reason i started to read and came across "Special Consideration/ Entry"
I've always been interested in uni, but since mikey came along i just assumed it was a no-go situation.
I've been searching websites and courses considering options, because for some reason my dream has awakened. A good wake up call was needed from Carol (and the petrol was well worth it!) I guess a lot of crap has happened and maybe because of it i've just turned off.
Anyhow, back to the grindstone.

Your way

2006-07-15T05:36:00.000-07:00

I want to do things Your way
but there's so many other ways to have fun
Your way is the best way
But i know that from it, i'll always run.

You know me well Lord, You know it's true
When i turn my back, i fall
And come crawling back to You
Taking heed to Your call.

"No Lord" i sometimes say
There's no way i can make it through
Especially when it comes to today
It's no wonder i never grew.

But now i want to do it Your way
Not counting the cost.
I'm not giving in to this moral decay.
I can not again get lost.

Greetings

2006-07-13T04:56:00.000-07:00

I have no clue what to blog about, so i thought i'd randomly type for 5 minutes.

Boof and i went out last night to yoda and chippy's new place. (if you're reading, hi guys) You'd have no idea how hard it was to obtain their address. Then chippy had to work, and yoda was out. So the idea of plastering yodas car with toilet paper went out the window.
We weren't going to stand in the cold all night just for them to come home, so we rang yoda.
Just leaving his grandparents! We thought quickly and ended up plastering their lawn and verandah with the toilet paper instead.
That was the most fun we had for awhile.
We went in loaded with a basket of goodies, sandy's delicious chocolate slice, (BTW Sandy you're invited to mikey's first birthday -bring the slice) and the NIC traditional bucket of lollies.
Very successful night :)

2006-07-06T08:39:00.000-07:00

Due to recent discussions.

2006-07-06T07:15:00.000-07:00

As i'm typing this i sit on my floor wrapped in a quilt. My mind is blank.
I want to type some encouragement, so maybe i'll just keep going and see where we go.

I know that when i look into your eyes, you are more than person.
I know that when i look into your eyes, you are more than a faceless mask.
I know, I know.
And I know that sometimes you want to hide
Because the pain hurts too much.
I know because I've felt that pain too.
I know what it's like to be struck, to have your dreams smashed to pieces.
I know, I know.

And I know that what you want is far beyond our reach
I know because I've been there.
I've been on the plank with the sharks below
That plank that keeps getting longer with each step.
But i know more.

I know about the days you want to stay in bed
I know how tired you are.
I know because I've been tired too.
I've walked that track before.

I know who you are, where you place your heart.
I know where you came from and where you are now.
I know you, You are mine

To my friends

2006-07-06T06:22:00.001-07:00

You know who you are. Maybe you don't but at least i do.

The caterpillar has a way of being slow, and trampled on,
It takes so much to get up and try again
Change seems impossible
And tomorrow's just another day of the week
In your bleak existance.

But when the transformation period arrives
Especially since God annointed the day
It may take awhile.
Hour by agonising hour, Step by echoing step
The change will come, and will not be denied.

You're a butterfly now
Stand, be strong and brave.
It is your time to fly and shine in the Son's rays.
It is your time to dance.
And Tomorrow, tomorrow will be the Lord's day

2006-05-05T04:33:00.000-07:00

Its been over two months since i have blogged. Feels like forever because so much has changed.

I now have a foreign thing on my finger.

Yes. It's a ring.

And anyone who bothers to read this may have the pleasures of a detailed happenings.

So how did this guy propose?

He took me outside after Chrysalis and, as the sun was setting, knelt and asked if i would be his wife. "of course" i replied.

Mikey's dedication

2006-03-02T02:25:00.000-08:00

Here is a letter i received a few weeks ago:

"To Monica,

We were pleased to be at the dedication service of your lovely son Mikey. From a distance we have been interested in you and your baby and it was an answer of prayer when we saw you standing out the front of the church with your beautiful baby Mikey.
You looked so proud and happy and both you and the baby so well. I must admit i had tears of joy and goosebumps up my neck as i watched you."

Alliance

2006-02-24T04:04:00.000-08:00

I looked over the masses of youth. I saw a few hands raised to God, but what disturbed me was these people were not here to worship God. They were there to socialise. Feeling saddened by this new revelation, my heart broke.

Adam, the lead singer shouted for everyone to be quiet. This took three efforts.

" People, we're not here to socialise, we're here to worship God..."

This confirmed my realisation.

living in a messed up world

2006-02-02T03:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i feel God is messing something up. Its inevitable that's something is going to go wrong, and if God's in charge where does it leave him? When everything turned upside down in my life was he really hanging on to my heels or did he leave me to crash on the floor, making me pick myself up?

Of course, God's proven he has been in control and that he wants what's best for me. (Romans 8:28 " And we know that in all things God works to the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I can see that in my past, and yes, i can see that in my future too.

I can see all my mistakes and failures and wonder how on earth God could make all this to bring about his purpose. Then i think how he uses the foolish things to show his glory. He can use a broken heart, he can use all mistakes. His purpose for me is so fulfilling, so perfect. Who am i to say it sucks when i'm not omniscent?

I've been looking at my spiritual gifts. I took a test in my bible, and encouragement really stands out. If God wants to use me via encouragement then fine. I just want to be a part of something big. Something to wake up people, wind them up...whatever i have to do. Seriously how many of us go through a day with virtually nothing to do?

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Hebrews 12:1-5
12:1 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.3 For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.

(KJV) - This verse really motivates me

servanthood

2006-01-31T01:38:00.000-08:00

The mind-set of a servant is to focus on their tasks, what the master wants done. I need to have that kind of mind-set. What does God want me to do? Am i doing what is right in God's eyes? The mind-set of the world is to focus upon something material, hoarding wealth and pursuing temporary things. A servant focuses on ever-lasting things like God's favour. These mind-sets are totally different from each other.
I think God designed us to live as servants because we can be his hands and feet, we can help others the way Christ did, "I tell you the truth, whatever ever you did for the least of these my brothers of mine, you did for me" Matthew 25:40. Being a servant expresses your love for God. You don't earn your salvation by serving, that's called works. Serving also helps you to focus on others and not on yourself.
There are challenges that will come when your lifestyle changes to that of a servant's. These challenges could be giving up a dream or desire that you have had, it could mean giving your saturday to a bunch of rowdy five-year olds and it could be giving some of your finance weekly, or donating some possessions that you don't really need to a worthy organisation. These challenges can be met with a gracious -not grudging heart.
Some rewards can be received by your service. When i was volunteering with McKay Nursing Home, and with T.O.C.A.N. (Tamworth and Oxley Vale Community Activities Network), i often felt a feeling of satisfaction, of work completed, and feeling like i had made someone's day just with the little things. Some gratefulness was always bound to come my way (which i was all too happy to receive). God talks about a reward in heaven "When you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind. And you will be blessed, because they can-not repay you; for you shall be repaid at the resurrection of the just." Luke 14:13, 14.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
"Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war rise against me,
In spite of this, i shall be confident.
One thing i have asked from the LORD, that i shall seek:
That i may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days
of my life,
To behold the beauty of the LORD and to meditate in His temple."
NASB Psalm 27:3-4
I love this passage. It helps me to focus upon God in my darkest hours. I focus on his faithfulness and power to overcome any problem.

hypocrisy

2006-01-28T02:32:00.000-08:00

living under a false assumption of virtue.

noticing the piece of dust in your friends eye and ignoring the piece of wood in yours.

hypocrites tend to close the door of salvation. You've heard the church being criticised for being hypocritical. People often use that excuse for not coming to Christ.

Doing good things, tithing or fasting but ignoring the best things. Justice, mercy and loyalty. Being just, merciful and loyal.

------(~`'~)------

I was
A tender reed
Bent in the wind
And then the storm passed
And you helped me stand upright again

Plumb -"Sink 'n' Swim"

forgiveness

2006-01-23T04:44:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about forgiveness and i found there are levels of forgiveness. Each level differs in difficulty to forgive.

There's a physical loss, which depending on how much you value the item can be fairly easy or hard to forgive.

Then there's a loss of integrity due to lies and rumours. And yeah, that can hurt, depending on the depth of those lies and rumours they can also range from easy to hard to forgive.

And emotional loss, when you realise someone's been toying with your heart. That can also be hard. Very hard.

---------------------------------------------------------------

I spent the day painting faces with Scripture Union for the Country Music Festival. It's a great way to connect with people you don't know well. One of these is my friend bec, she's an outrageous girl and for the past two years, her mum, bec and i have been painting. This year it's been awesome. Not only are we painting everything in sight, but having water fights on the side. We've earnt our titles, me, the australian flag girl, and bec, the pig girl. Mainly i paint flowers, butterflies and hearts. She paints spiderman and batman.

Yes. Fantastic day.

2006-01-21T07:21:00.000-08:00

How can the words: "I think i love you" bring me to fall flat on my face begging God to answer my question?

Thankyou

2006-01-19T02:36:00.000-08:00

Thankyou for your prayers, your shoulder and comfort. Thankyou for teaching me, for loving who i am and for your care. I appreciate being in your thoughts. I thank you for helping me to believe there are guys out there who aren't all bad. Thankyou for the random calls and text messages.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

It seems those who lie and cheat get ahead in life. They not only get away with it, but they can get rewarded for it too. Lately these abusive attacks in Tamworth have been on my mind and on my heart. My abuser stayed in the same prision as a escapee this week. So many incidents and heartbreak. I have to pray for them...we can't stop these things from happening, but we can give them to God and cry out to Him.

If you guys want an interesting quote, i found one: "We may see non-justice in God, which is mercy, but we never see injustice in God." R C SPROUL

random bits of mon.

2006-01-18T02:47:00.000-08:00

I was flicking around my numerous journals looking for inspiration and i came up with this:

"I wanted to talk to you today
and realised you wouldn't listen to what i say
I cried last night for you
I wanted to tell you all the things i could do."

I don't have a date for that, but i assume it was the later part of last year.

Mon: If you had to write a paragraph about me what would you say?

Friend: I would start by saying you're too hard to describe with words but i'll try anyway.
youre a beautiful young lady with an awesomely huge heart filled with God and your son, you have a passion for Christ. i think i've summed it up keyword "SUMMED"
youre a little "out there" but that is mostly a good thing
oh you don't always think plans through before trying them out.

Friend 2: Tender, caring girl who is strong in her faith, beliefs, determination, and resolve. She is intelligent, loving, enthusiastic about her interests, and attractive. She seeks commitment and long-term loyalty in any potential suitor, which is a sign of maturity. She can be demanding and authoritative at times.

So there: two friend i regularly meet up with and chat for hours to.

2006-01-16T02:18:00.000-08:00

So now you're wondering about my reference to lust. What happened there?

I'm not quite sure, but i can assume when it started. After being invited to my friend's 18th i had previously arranged with a friend that we'd talk together. Not knowing many people, i was glad to hang around this friend. He was ignoring me. So, i was feeling bummed out and lonely, and feeling there's only so much time you can spend with the birthday boy, i decided to leave early.

I was back online that last night with this certain friend, he could tell i was annoyed, so i decided to hide the fact and act cheery. I can't remember quite what i did, i just know that i kind of accepted his invitation to be his girlfriend. And i still have a friend's words ringing in my head: "Don't do anything you will regret". I woke up the next morning and my first immediate thought was: "Oh crap, what have i done?"

I knew i didn't really love him in that way, i guess i just liked flirting with him. (This is the point where everyone who knows me personally thinks: "Is this really mon?"). Maybe a handy boyfriend would be nice but, i'm not quite sure i need a relationship like that right now.

Needless to say, i ended the boyfriend relationship. No real hurt was done. He was thinking the same. After all, it would have hurt more if we kept going. We'll just see where Love leads us.

quiet and confident (disconnected thoughts)

2006-01-15T02:51:00.000-08:00

We can be both quiet and confident. God would want this because it helps to demonstrate God's love to others. We can be seen as different (or as freaks) in the world. To the world success means everything. A dog-eat-dog world where people bring down others to get to the top. We're not called to do that.

We need righteousness to show God's love, to be an example of God's love. One of the ways we can do that by never giving up..."love never fails". Sometimes it's a little hard to determine love from lust. I know i have that problem because i experienced that last week. A relationship that went a little askew.

Lately i've been home alone, my family went on holidays without me. The main reason being that there is practically nowhere for accomodation of seven people fitting into one room, and being fiancially-minded, my dad refused to have two rooms. Never mind, this has been a learning experience.

Banter

2006-01-12T04:09:00.000-08:00

I often wonder what it would have been like to see Jesus rise from the dead. Like Mary's experience, would i be certain that all hope was gone, and then discover that everything He said finally made sense, and that there really is hope after all? Of course i would have been scared, who isn't afraid of weird experiences?

But I'm not sure i could ever capture that deep sense of joy she must have had. From despair to absolute joy.

However.

I was listening to Rhema FM this evening, and Howard was talking about (hmm...can't remember the verse) and how it is a good idea to make a list of everything we want to do first thing, and present that list to God. I'm a timetable / routine kind of girl. I like to organise everything. (Most of you don't know that, but it is there). I like to set out my day. Most importantly i like the mail-lady to be on time. So i guess that piece of thought just appealed to me.

I believe

2006-01-11T02:46:00.000-08:00

I believe:

#That because God designed me, only he can make me complete and my life full, but far too often I take what the world has to offer, hoping it can fill me. Even if it can never make me truely happy. I seek after so much material stuff that will only fade away in utter insignificance in comparison with God. (John 10:10)

#That God's plan is best and that He will bless those who are obedient to Him, but far too often i run ahead of His plans for me without consulting Him and ignore His lead. I tend to think that if i don't make things happen, they never will happen. Even if God has proved Himself right time and time again. (Psalm 1:1-3)

#That God has a deeper beauty for me, but far too often i know i seek shallow outer beuty too much. I think more about my outer beauty then i do of my inner beauty. I think more about what people see in my appearance than what they might find inside if they get to know me. Even if inner beauty is all that matters. (Proverbs 31:30)

I need to get fully into God's word and take the time to listen to Him, seek after His divine beauty and follow Him. I need to live out what i believe, because, actions speak louder than words. I need to focus more on Jesus than the current situation, but more importantly i think i need to talk to Him.

The difference

2006-01-09T03:05:00.000-08:00

I was thinking today how void my my life would be without God's presence in it. If i had never known Christ, where would my life be, what would my values be and what would i do with my time? I realised how unfulfilled my life would be and how meaningless it could get. I thought about non-christian people i know. Their values, priorities and how it would feel to be in their shoes.

I have Switchfoot on at the moment and "Meant to live" comes to mind. "We were meant to live for so much more -have we lost ourselves?" People fill up all their time on so much junk it's not funny. How much time do we spend watching tv? Sure, a little doesn't hurt but we have to think of subliminal messages transmitted into our brains too. Are we wasting all our minutes (which turn into hours)?

Fowler's theory of spiritual development states that for 14-19 years there's a "individuating-reflexive faith. It's like a crossroads. Either the youth will continue with their 'copied' faith or make individual choices. If the person chooses to make their own choices, their faith will begin to develop. From 20-32, (which is the Paradoxical-consolidative faith) Fowler says this is the stage people live out their faith, belief and commitment while respecting other beliefs.

Tell me guys, is that an acurate description of most Christian youths today? What about all youths? And how does the spiralling suicide rate fit in?

Do you notice me?

2006-01-01T05:47:00.000-08:00

Isaiah 40:31
31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Philippians 2:15
15so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe

Matthew 6:33
33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

God has a tremendous effect on our lives. I have a poster with Isaiah 40:31 on it. It was helpful last year because it helped me get up in the morning just by staring at it. It's become a favourite verse.He provides us with what we need, strength, desires... And restoration. Every now and again we desperately need restoration.

I want to 'shine like the stars in the universe' Often i look at the stars in the night sky and stand in awe of God's creation. And i want to show some of that awesome stuff, and maybe i do. But New years i was star gazing again with my friend discussing whether a certain constellation was a frying pan or a saucepan. I want to show who i am (a child of God).

Why do i want people to notice me? Is it for mine, or God's glory? That is a deep question. It is mixed with me, i can't deny that sometimes i do like to gain approval and admiration. <- big confession for mon. She's been trying to deny that to herself for a couple of weeks. I guess it depends what we want to be noticed for.

I want to be known for who i am. I want to be known as a "God girl" but also as a normal person. Which was another thing my friend and i were chatting about last night. Some school friends believe you can't believe you can be a Christian and a computer geek at the same time. So we're known as freaks (i had a school shirt with "freak" wirtten on it too).

Also I have been told that once we seek God and put him first in our lives, God fulfills our desires. But when we go through that process, our desires change. What are your thoughts on this verse above ^? When we look to him, our focus is tuned into him, and so we desire what he desires?

God's court of law

2006-01-01T04:37:00.000-08:00

1 John 1:9
9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

John 3:16
16"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Romans 3:10
10As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one;

God views our sin as a gap between our relationship with him. Because He loved us so much, he bridged that gap by condemning His only son. That would have hurt so much. I'm pretty sure i wouldn't give Mikey to anyone to kill. Nup, i would've have said "Stuff you all -I'm not giving up my son!

As I understand it, God forgives our sins completely. Last night, sitting at 'the lookout' with my friend, we were discussing relationships. He brought up how we often dredge up the past in arguments, and how, in a court of law, it would be dismissed as not being evidence because it's already been mentioned. It's like that with God.

Psalm 103:12
12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

If we look at the compass we can see east is directly opposite west. If we keep travelling east, we will never meet 'west'. It's like how parallel lines never meet. Audio Adrenaline in 'Ocean Floor' say:
"Your sins are forgotten/ They're on the bottom/ Of the ocean floor/ My misdeeds/ All my greed/ All the things that haunt me now/ They're not a pretty site to see/ But they're wiped away/ By a mighty, mighty wave."

I love it how kids come up to you, and shout: "I love you this much!" and you see a pair of arms fly straight out and changes into a quick hug. My friend says: "Jesus said I loved you this much, spread his arms and died". You often hear "I can believe you can i say that you love me, but prove that you love me". Well, God's proof is the cross.

I think about all the wrong things i've done and i need to be reminded of God's forgiveness often. It's easy to just hide the pain and regret and try to stuff it away in the "reasons i suck" box. It takes me a lot of courage to come to God and apologise. It probably shouldn't be that way, one of the things i must work on.

I need to believe that i have been "purified by all unrighteousness". That is hard. I see the consequences of my sin and hide from God. Like Eve. I quickly become bonded to that sin. And how can i hide from God...? dark is light to him. Nothing is hidden from him, least of all, my sins. Oh but His love is so refreshing!

Support groups come in handy. Yes, i have one. Some of you who read this blog are in it. Maybe you know you are, maybe you don't but i appreciate your support anyway. Nothing like a good chat to sort things out. I just need to rely on God for answers more than people, that's a bit of a problem for me.

Coming to God and apologising to him is a little like admitting you cheated on a test to a teacher. (Not that i have been in that situation, but i would find it rather humiliating). It's exposure. Transparency. A dark side. But unlike most teachers who like to make your life hell-on-earth (i've had a few), God reaches out.

01/01/06

2006-01-01T02:40:00.000-08:00

What did i do last night?

My original plans were to go out to a street party at Kootingal (15 min out of tamworth), come home at about 10pm and go to bed early.

I climbed into bed at 2am.

I arrived with family friends in Kootingal at 7, and i was already exhausted. I think at that point everything that happened that year had caught up with me.
I got bored just sitting there, so i rang a friend to see if he'd like to come out. I was deciding to have a drink at the pub too...after realising my friend still had about 6 days til he was eighteen, i decided against that idea.
He came at around 9:30. We decided the party was a little too loud, and i really needed to talk. So we walked back to the car and got lost driving around kootingal. After many dead ends he decided to go back the way he came. Noticing he was very tired, i told him the minute he didn't feel like driving he could pull over and rest. My friend insisted he was fine. He soon found himself driving to the lookout. The lookout is one of my favourite places. There is a cross on the side of the mountain that lights up at night. I've always wanted to sit at the foot of it but i don't like the idea was sitting on broken glass.
We talked about everything. From relationships and God to doors and electricity. Yes, that is me. From the hours of 10pm- 2am i can talk to anybody non-stop about anything. Outside of those hours, you're lucky to get me to utter a word.
We drove around again and stopped at paradise. Nice river there, there was a beautiful sound like a waterfall, but from my memory there is none. While we were talking i noticed a light by the river. I thought it was a reflection of a streetlight, but it was so odd. It was then i realised it was someone fishing. (only because my friend mentioned that). By this time i couldn't put up with my thumping headache (which i had for about 3 hrs). I started yawning terribly and decided if i talked for much longer, i'd give a big yawn and lock my jaw. It's happened before. 7 hours of an open mouth and a hospital visit resulted.

A different New Years than previous years. on the eve of 05, i was in Brisbane sick in bed with a friend tending me. The year before: i was babysitting. Nice change. I think perhaps the best i've had.

Keeping Up the Appearance

2005-12-30T02:55:00.000-08:00

"But the Lord said to Samuel, do not consider his appearance or his height, for i have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7.

Man looks at outward things. I'm often reminded of 'Keeping Up Appearances' and how Mrs Bucket goes to so much trouble to 'keep up her appearance' that it makes her look ridiculous and drives her husband crazy. Sadly, i think we can be just like her. We can insist that we are like everyone else but ourselves.

I tend to judge people by their body language. Do they have eyes with life shining through and bright, or do they seem dark and lifeless? What is the reaction when we meet? Do they seem interested in who i am? Do they want to be seen with me? And what is their motive behind those compliments?

When God looks at our heart, he sees who we truely are. Our failures and our triumphs. Our likes and dislikes and our character. However much we think we suck, He still loves us. Don't you find that just incredibly amazing?! If only we knew who we truely are, and to know who we undoubtedly belong to.

When people see me, i want them to know who i am, the way God sees me, not just what i look like, or who i'm pretending to be. It may hurt me for them to see my failures, but it's who i am in God's eyes that should really count. My grandmother often tells me how much i look like the late Princess Diana. I wouldn't have minded the 'princess treatment', but i don't want people to judge me by appearances alone.

If people are looking at my heart, i need to make sure my heart is pure, and that whoevers looking at my heart is pointed firmly towards God. (Admire the art, but what is the art without the one who made it in the first place -a pure mon quote. Want another? "If there were really any good new years resolutions, i'd start today".) I want them to see how beautiful He is.

I'm focussing more on reading God's word and communicating with Him, I need to know and love Him if i'm to show others who God is. So, my heart needs a little 'buffing' in this area. Sometimes prayer is such a tedious task and i really wish it wasn't like that. Please pray for that, i'd be very much appreciative.

The Servant Attitude

2005-12-29T03:05:00.000-08:00

John 13
Jesus Washes His Disciples' Feet
1It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love. (isn't it interesting how we can show love by being servants?)
2The evening meal was being served, and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus. 3Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; 4so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. 5After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
6He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, "Lord, are you going to wash my feet?"
7Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."
8"No," said Peter, "you shall never wash my feet." Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me."
9"Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"
10Jesus answered, "A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you." 11For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not every one was clean.
12When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. "Do you understand what I have done for you?" he asked them. 13"You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord,' and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. (I think it's awesome how God gave us an example. He didn't just say: "Do this", he showed us how!)15I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

I just thought this was a great passage. It's something that sometimes gets overlooked.

Impossibility

2005-12-23T02:46:00.000-08:00

You guys know i like academic success right? Well, i know i do. I have a year until i get my UAI for uni. Last year i thought psychology, this year i thought education. Now i'm thinking of a mixture of education and counselling. Now you're wondering about the title. Am i saying something about this dream being impossible or was it just a random title to catch your attention? It's almost an impossibility.

You're also wondering why i changed the title of the blog to "Verification". Verification: confirmation, demonstration, evidence, proof, test, experiment, testimony, trial. You guys work out the significance.

Back to the impossibility. It's not exactly impossible, but it'll take a large amount of work to get to uni, so, as i said it's almost an impossibility.

My Room

2005-12-22T05:31:00.000-08:00

I love my bed. My bed is an essential part of my life. I read, eat, work on my bed. I can't deny that i don't jump on my bed in excitement, nor can i deny that i punch my pillow in anger. All the same it's a handy bed to have.

I have a lamp besides my bed, that way i don't have to get out of bed to turn the light off. If there's a blackout, i have a little battery pop-up bookmark light that i can use sitting on the shelf next to my bed.

I have a plant on the window sill. It's droopy and dry. I think it reflects my life sometimes. My rebellious nature. It's not that i meant to ignore it, it's just...i don't haven't had time to water it. I'll water it tomorrow. It seems metaphorical, how my life can relate to that plant.

Next to my mirror i've stuck verses, sayings and my thoughts. They say it helps to memorise them. That doesn't work for me. I don't like looking in the mirror. That's tough for me to do... perhaps because i have to look into the real me then, not just the mask i hide behind.

But i love my view outside my window. I can see the lights of tamworth. Tamworth is actually called the City of light, it has that name because it was the first city to have a special type of electric light in the southern hemisphere. We also have a cross on the hill, and it shines so well. But so much of the name has been taken by psychics and the such. A shame. My view reminds me of my dream...to light up Tamworth. Something i plan to be doing next year.

Letting down our guard

2005-12-21T03:08:00.000-08:00

"She's independent and beautiful
Wish i could be like her
Shes got the girls and the boys
So wrapped around her finger
Rumour is she's some kind of dream,
Nobody knows she cries herself to sleep

We are not that different from each other
We just want somebody to discover
Who we really are when we drop our guard..."

When i first heard "We" by Joy Williams on the radio, i decided it was a 'must-get' song. It related so much to me, and it was catchy. The second part made me really think. "We just want somebody to discover who we really are when we drop our guard...". I thought "wow, it's such a relief to know God knows me for who i am, and i don't have to hide behind a mask." Maybe that's what true friendship is. Not being perfect, but being ourselves and being loved for it!

I strive for that in my friendships. I don't want people to believe i'm somebody i'm not because they're bound to be disappointed. It's so tiring pretending that everything's fine when really, everything's spinning around, totally disorientating you. It's so much easier to say "Here i am -take me as i am, otherwise...uh...stuff you".

One thing i admire in friendships is how others can put up with you. Some events come to mind.

I have an addiction for adrenaline that i only realised in 2004. This addiction makes me want to go on every ride/ rollercoaster possible. So, after dragging my friend around the carnival at the country music festival, getting on the 'rock 'n' roll', my friend and i emerged covered in, no, i'll leave that to your imagination. That's not the only time i've thrown up on her, and it probably won't be the last.

I was on holidays in Brisbane last January and being pregnant (and not knowing it at the time) i had morning sickness every morning. This made my holiday so miserable. My friend noticed my miserableness and asked about it afterwards (and keeps asking). She took care of me, and our friendship grew through that time.

My card collection

2005-12-20T06:08:00.000-08:00

I have a card collection.

The total equals around 50. I started the collection last year. They are all unique and different and there's only two pairs alike. I regularly read them as a quick 'pick me up'. They range from impersonal "To monica (insert card welcome here) hope santa comes love (insert sender here) to really deep meaningful words.

Some i know were painstakingly written. Both in the way of physical pain, and in utter heart-to-heart thoughts. The reasons they were made vary, some christmas cards; others, "i'm thinking of yous"; yet others, "congratulations on the arrival of michael" and some, as a quick hello. I love these cards, and i love the people who send them.

These cards sit on my shelf. My 'God shelf' i like to call it. The shelf lies at the foot of my bed, so it's easy to access them in the middle of the night. I don't really send cards to others. I write them letters. Depending on my mood, they can be up to six pages long. It takes dedication to write that much. But this is just another random fact in my life. A little insight into 'the mon you think you know'.

confessions of the mon

2005-12-20T05:34:00.000-08:00

Yet despite all these good changes, i have been through a fair bit of hardship. I started this awhile ago, but i decided to finish it now.

My Dad was a member of a certain church for over 20 years, and when this whole situation happened things turned slightly sour. Of course, we weren't necessarily 'in' with the church, but we did make an effort to turn up. The minister strongly suggested that we adopt the babies (mine and my sisters) out. We could see where he was coming from. He did adopt a child himself. But mikey was mine. My parents agreed it was my decision and the minister suggested enforcing adoption. Thus creating a riff between us and the church. Since then we feel totally excommunicated from this church. We joke about "if they see us, they might turn blind" -but the hurts still there.

I've always been a competitive person. My sister and i have always competed. We're two different people, yet we can't get over the fact that we've each got strong points. For example, I've always won over my sister with the "best girl" trophies from Girls' Brigade, and she's won trophies from the eisteddfords. Recently she won an award at school. Once a week a student from each year gets a chocolate, a top deck. Within 3 weeks of school she receives one. Something i never accomplished in one and half years. My sisters also awesome with computer games. Something i am not. So that's something i'm struggling with.

I guess nothing much has changed though. I still have the same dark secrets, the same broken relationships, and the same heartbreaks. By no means do i want this to be some sad post. I'm just trying to balance the good with the bad, leak out some 'monness' for you to get a real picture of who i am. Virtually impossible online, but, i'm trying to be a little more realistic.

2005-12-04T03:43:00.000-08:00

Paul asked me to write up in my blog how i've changed being a mother. Because my night is rather stagnant, and uneventful, i might as well start. There are three main ways i can think of. These are :

*Spiritually
*Practically
*Emotionally

Spiritually i have changed my view about God. I used to think that he was far distant, probably less interested in my life than in others. I realised that he has cared for me, even if it didn't feel like it. This change may have come about because I've had a lot of time to reflect on my circumstances.

Spiritually i have been more receptive to God. I can calm down and rely on him for rest during my hectic day. Looking up at the stars can reinforce peacefulness and then I suppose i'm more then ready to hear God. This change may have occurred because I've come to know that God knows, and cares and His way is best.

Spiritually i don't feel i have to seek God's approval. I don't have to 'do good' just to please Him. God is already pleased with me, however, i serve because i want to. This change happened because i figured God doesn't want me to be 'supermum', he just wants me to be the best I can. He wants me to be 'me'.

Emotionally i don't feel pressured to find someone to love me. I don't need to find someone to love me because i'm already loved. Someone to love me for 'me' has always been there. Why this change? Because through more careful reading through God's word, it's plain to see He's the one that loves me!

Emotionally i don't need to rely on someone to help me. God's always there to help me, and He can do anything. I don't need someone to pick me up all the time. This perspective changed because God has helped me to know that it's okay to feel down sometimes, I just need to talk to Him.

Emotionally i don't feel resentment towards my experience. This experience has taught me so much and has made me grow. If i didn't have this whole experience i may still be trying to skirt around God. I must have changed by just giving this experience to God and letting Him do all the work.

Physically i take better care of myself. I have Mikey to take care of and not taking care of myself is not the best way to go about caring. I take care of myself by eating better, sleeping better and being 'me'. I found this change was important because what use would i be to Mikey if i was sick or tired all the time?

Physically i know i need to be stronger. Not just mentally or spiritually but physically as well. I go for a walk occasionally, dance occasionally and i'm looking for some kind of sport team. I figure Mikey is getting heavier and the fitter i am, the longer i can pick him up and cuddle him. It's also a part of taking care of myself.

Physically i have changed my priorities and timetable, or lack there of. Studying God and schoolwork can take a lot out of my day, and now with Mikey i have to organise my day. I'v tried to do this by a method i like to call 'responsible multitasking', or making use of that time i can so easily waste, but also organise time just to dream, socialise, and live. If i didn't change my organisation skills. ie. no skills., my days would pass me by. Seize the day.

So that's the main changes i have thought about. There are perhaps more that i haven't thought of, but this is just for you to get the general gist of my day/ life. Without these changes, i would be stuck and helpless. I just want to be the best 'me' i can be. A change in life can enhance the journey.

continued

2005-11-12T02:26:00.000-08:00

So i talked to this guy about it who said, "interesting you should say that...fusion is thinking of having some kind of youth thing, so why don't you try and come along to the fusion training day?"

Sounds like a great opportunity.

http://ecards.emicmg.com/xworship/

Big dreams...

2005-11-08T06:46:00.000-08:00

Okay, so now i have these big dreams that seem ridiculous in the light of day, yet come alive at night.

Lately i've been thinking of some 'drop in centre', i told one of my old teachers this (who happens to lead fusion here in tamworth) and ta da, fusion's thinking of the same idea. So he invites me to the next training day.

I've started thinking about next year. What do i want to do? I thought a counselling course at tafe would be great. What should happen but i get a letter from wesley institute inviting me to a day out for looking in their course for counselling.

I think of something, and it just gives way to an awesome opportunity.

Anyway, i better head off to bed :)

For Sam

2005-10-15T07:25:00.000-07:00

This is for sam's benefit because i know how much she enjoys reading blogs.

I've been studying more and more everyday, getting prepared for my exams. I'm doing them at my grandmothers and having a supervisor there. The supervisor is a lady from our church, whom i'm glad to have met. My teachers seem to be pleased with this year's work, however disrupted it may be.

Mikeys not my lap while i'm typing. He has the most gorgeous wide eyes. Of course, we know where he got them from, lol.

I'm getting very tired so i am now going off to bed.

2005-09-11T06:06:00.000-07:00

Mikey J

2005-09-09T06:47:00.000-07:00

I have decided that being a mother is actually harder than i thought it would be. There are so many sacrifices to make, so many changes to daily routines, so much stuff to do in so little time. And so much multitasking to be done.

Which really makes me appreciate the support I'm getting from everyone, it really helps me to get going again. So studying, looking after Mikey and socialising all have to fit into my day in some way. I'm learning how to do that.

I know I'm gonna make it, but it does seem tough at the moment. I can really see how much i need sleep sometimes...don't think i'll take sleep for granted again! I'm just so thankful I've still got a mum to take care of me.

Not long to go now! (11 days til EDD)

2005-08-10T04:35:00.000-07:00

"My beautiful baby,
I love you with all my heart, and words alone cannot express my deepest dreams for you. I can't wait until i see you face to face and hold you in my arms for the first time, and know God has kept his promise. My child, my wish for you is to know the peace beyond all understamding , and the strength the Lord gives."

2005-07-25T05:07:00.000-07:00

My huge stomach at about 34 weeks

apologies!

2005-07-06T04:17:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry i haven't exactly kept you up to date on everything, but, i've been busy sorting out stuff.

One of them being the HSC, I've been organising an application for special provisions that i'll need for the exam (which is only a matter of months away). Then being working pretty hard with my school work and major projects, then just basically sorting out what will happen over the next few weeks and just hanging out with my lil niece.

I have a facalty award for maths this term, so i'm pretty pleased. My teacher has been happy with my neat work and has been giving me straight a s and the occasional a+.

I haven't been out as much as i would have liked. It's just that i can't really do stuff with the youth group now, i mean contortionist games can get quite dangerous.

But that's it for now, i'll post again soon with more, uh, informative, interesting stuff.

2005-06-17T03:59:00.000-07:00

I thought i should quickly provide an update:

30 weeks and 5 days

Secret Place

2005-05-30T06:57:00.000-07:00

I've always loved this song by Rachel Lampa, it usually comes on the radio at just the right time.

You are my father
I am your child
will you hold me in your arms
just a little while
and let me know
how much you care for me
there's no other place in this world
I would rather be
and when I fall down
on my knees and pray
my heart is captured
when I hear you say

CHORUS:
come with me my child to the secret place
I love you, I love you, I love you,
come and find your rest in the secret place
I love you, I love you, I love you,

every where I turn
every thing I see
reminds me of the joy that you bring to me
and I............
I need you so dont let me go
touch me with your healing hand
tell me that you understand
and when I falter
when I lose my way
you shine your light on me
and I hear you say

CHORUS:
come with me my child to a secret place
I love you, I love you, I love you.......
come with me my child to a secret place
I love you, I love you, I love you.......

and when I fall down on my knees and pray
my hear is captured when I hear you sayy

come with me come with me come come come with
me now

just a little while

come with me come with me come come come with
me now

come with me my child to a secret place

CHORUS...
come with me my child to a secret place...

I need feedback...

2005-05-27T03:27:00.000-07:00

Last night i went to bed earlier than usual and woke up at 4:30 am, and I had some idea. I don't know if it'll make any sense as i don't normally have coherent thought when i'm half asleep, but here goes:

I want to help teens, and this morning i thought of signing up at some sort of organisation that did counselling via the internet (it seemed a good way to reach teens because so many have access to the internet). But am I old enough? Am I spiritually mature enough? (is there ever a time you are spiritually mature?) What do you guys think?

My aunt

2005-05-27T02:53:00.000-07:00

"The thing that really stood out to me was what a beautiful mother Zoe was. She was always thinking of ways to make life interesting, fun and safe for her boys. She prayed about every decision that had to be made on their behalf. The prayers your mother invested in you and all the good things she taught you are like seeds that continue to grow and bear fruit your whole life through". -Linda Cameron (School Religious Education teacher with Zoe).

"Despite all the hardship in her life, Zoe never once forgot her two sons and loved them 24 hours per day. If she could not provide the direct care she always ensured the boys were getting the love and guidance she had strictly specified for them. The boys have a legacy of Zoe's guidance to last a lifetime". - Charles Domjahn (husband).

This was my aunt.

Based on Isaiah 49

2005-05-25T06:08:00.000-07:00

Everybody listen up!
God has a purpose for me even before i was born. While my mum was pregnant, God knew what he wanted to do, he let me talk, and kept me safe.
He shaped me so i would be what he wanted me to be. He told me he was going to use me, but i felt i couldn't be used, i felt broken, but God knows my worth.
God made me to serve him, to help and encourage others and he helps me. He says i'm important because i can serve him, but more importantly he made me a light to show people his love.
God saves, he chooses people and his people will not be let down.
God says he will hear your prayers, he will help and protect you to do what you've been called to do.

(22/5)

Adapting to change

2005-05-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing i've noticed about the life i have led thus far, it's that change is inevitable, freaky and often the hardest thing to do.

When i'm staring my situation in the face, it frequently occurs to me that my life won't be the same. I've walked into a cave, hesitated, and found that i can not turn back. I've also discovered this cave is actually a tunnel. I walk through this tunnel and i can see evidence of a person walking through this tunnel before i have, no skeletons or rotting flesh, just footprints. The footprints show me where to go.

I have a lot to change, not only do i have this tiny form to mould as such, but i have this child for his life. (and you can't tell me that that's not one of the freakiest things a teen can hear!)

I like challenges, and i like change (sometimes). I'm not afraid as such, this is such an awesome opportunity, i'm just overwhelmed that my life has been changed to a somewhat selfish teen to ...a mother? I look at the palms of my hands and i can visualise being a mother, holding the precious joy. I can view my situation in two ways: one, as a negative thing two, as a positive thing, i lean towards the latter. Truely, God's way is best.

Keep the candle burning

2005-05-14T04:14:00.000-07:00

I can't wait to see you,
To look in your eyes for the first time
I can't wait to touch you,
To feel your beautiful fingers in mine.
I can't wait to know you,
To appreciate your deep personality that God has created.

God gave me the most precious gift,
He gave me you.
He gave me a friend, a hero, a son.
What can I ever give him in return?

The hope and future God has always promised
Has dawned, the new morning, a new sunrise.
The strength He has promised, He has given,
So I can rise, ascend like a powerful eagle.

Everytime i have fallen to the ground,
He has picked me up, I fell right back in His arms.
When i'm not strong enough, He is mighty,
and He gave me you, a token of my relationship with Him.

Keep the candle burning, when all goes wrong,
He is always there when darkness clouds your view.
Keep the candle burning, He will see you through.

(poem i wrote earlier tonight).

Pure

2005-05-09T03:48:00.000-07:00

One of the things i have really struggled with since the abuse was that i didn't feel i was pure and therefore it seems like i can't come to God. It feels like i am so tainted and dirty that to come to God would totally shame him and he'd turn away. I know he'd never turn away from his precious child, one he definitely did not want to lose.

I also know that the real dirt and contamination came from the one that abused me.

I can see Jesus reaching out to me, and crying out to me, and yet i refuse his touch... his touch of deep healing and refreshment. I can see how much he wants me to come to him, and yet, i refuse to because of my shame. I can see him cry and i know he wants me to come to him, and yet i refuse to because i feel that i can never be the daughter he wants me to be.

I can see Jesus touching my heart, telling me that even in my shame and the dirtiness i feel, i can come to him, come to him to make me whole again. I can see Jesus hugging me, telling me i don't have to be strong...that i need to lean on him. I can see Jesus crying with me, showing me that when everything has crumbled, and i see there's no hope, that he is THE hope. That he is THE love i 've been seeking, the light i've been missing in my soul.

And that is where he picks me up and tightly hugs me. He tells me again, and again that he loves me as his precious child and that he would never hurt me, that this was to bring about some purpose in my life. He tells me once again that he loves me and this time i can not but help to believe it because he is the hope in my life.

Congratulations on your imminent parenthood...

2005-05-09T02:50:00.000-07:00

For mother's day my mother decided to buy me a locket necklace (complete with "mum" engraved on it). Which brought me to the question: "am i a teen, (18 at last) or am i a woman?". I decided i was neither as i thought i couldn't be defined. Since all this i've felt that i don't belong to any group at all, i'm uniquely individual (although there's got to be some other people in my position).

From Anna...

2005-05-06T05:16:00.000-07:00

This is from my friend's last journal entry before she was killed in a road accident this week:

"I have a strong dream. I dream of having a band, a youth Christian band. I'll play guitar and sing. Lots of people will come and maybe some will even become Christians.

Everyone seems to find it so easy to form a band but i have no one to start one with.

I can picture myself on stage singing God's word.

I believe God has given me a gift with music. I teach myself guitar but i think i need some lessons. I'll get some from a friend (James or Jim).

I pray to God sometime soon He'll bring along someone to start a band with and when i say this it brings tears to my eyes, but it's just a band i'm talking about but it means a lot more to me, maybe God has a plan to use me in this band.

When i listen to music i feel God's presence, especially with loud drums, they sound like the gates of heaven opening. And if i want to write a letter to someone, i just listen to music and the words come, it's like God's giving me them.

I believe Jesus has given me this dream, goal or longing for a reason, i just can't wait until it happens.

You know what i thought! I think i'd love to go to poor places where the homeless are and play our music (band) there and give them what they need; love, kindness, fun and care. And i want to call our band "WAKE UP"!

I'll tell you a secret, Bethany, Angie and i call ourselves the "U.C.K's" guess what that means? We have never told anyone except that i told Miriam. At first it was "Un Cool Kids" But come on, I decided i hated that 'cos God don't make uncool kids, so i changed it to "UNIQUE. CHRISTIAN. KIDS".

So when i'm in heaven, whoever reads this ask yourself the simple question, "Am i a U.C.K?".

In the Storm

2005-05-05T05:10:00.000-07:00

When life whirls
Rattles
Bumps
and
Roars,

GOD IS

Peace
Calm
and
Hope
In the eye of the storm.

Judy Gordon

(hang in there!)

Renewed life

2005-05-03T04:57:00.000-07:00

"For i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord,plans to prosper you and not to hurt you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11.

Healing is not about the absence of pain. It's about diving into deeper stages of life, more about pain fitting into your life rather than letting it remain in control and in the way. The healing God's given me is amazing. He's given me peace, joy and understanding that i never thought was possible. Each new day is now a gift from God.

I honestly don't know what kind of person i would have been today if i had not been abused. I'm pretty sure i have grown spiritually because of my past. God has always been there for me.

This little girl was not only free but she was supported and drawn by the tears and hands of love held out to her.

God reaches down to the hurt and takes hold of His child with never ending love and compassion. He has his own healing programme to suit His child and gathers all the tears of pain and with compassion and love, turns them into pure drops of gold.

Where does God fit in?

2005-04-30T04:16:00.000-07:00

I've often wondered why this happened to me and have always thought "what if..". I can ask where God was in all of this but i know the answer. My response is the awesome God who created everything, including me, loves everyone so much (including me), that he grieves everytime one of his precious children are hurt.

The best news is that God sees everything, and cares. I know he cares because he sent Jesus, his only son, to live, die and rise again for us. What other greater proof do we have?! I'm usually impatient and want God's healing NOW! But God usually heals by dealing with problems by layers, and because he created me, he knows what's best.

Painful experiences can be transformed. Although the experience can feel overwhelming, it's important to know there is hope. Hope can grow through knowing there is a God who cares and who wants to (and can) help. The fact that Jesus experienced life on earth as a human shows that everyone is of infinite worth in God's eyes.

When i admitted that i could not cope with the consequences of the abuse, and asked for God's help i came to a God who was ready, willing and able to come into my life, bringing freedom and release.

Friends...

2005-04-26T03:56:00.000-07:00

God never ceases to amaze me with my friends. I mean throughout my life i've had friends just walk out on me, even through this trial, but i've had the most awesomest of friends too. I totally love my friends they are great people to have in my life. God's provided this most awesome support which i am ever thankful for.

Recently i recieved an email from a teacher, (who also is my frog leader), which opened with "You poor, dear sister..." that meant so much to me. Also, there was a children's talk at church on sunday and the question was: What makes life bearable? The answer? Friends. That is so true.

I guess the best i can do to encourage you guys is for me to tell you to accept help from others, their support, comfort... Churches are great :) the friends you make there are awesome, but the best friend you can have in your life is definitely Jesus, he's so awesome, unpredictable, wacky and he gives great hugs.

Little girl, little girl...

2005-04-23T20:07:00.000-07:00

Pregnancy is such an interesting state, people can fear it, and enjoy it at the same time. I can safely guarantee this is one of the scariest times i've been through and yet to go through, and i can also guarantee myself that all this will be worth it. I always say to myself, "how can this be, i'm so young and i have plans for myself..." and God will reply "I'm always with you, it'll be hard but we'll get through it".

Okay, i'm still a teenager, i have feelings for guys, and i just wish there was someone who just loved me so much and didn't care what people thought of him. But the guys who know this act pretty weird about it. They either casually mention it, or just ignore the issue altogether. I'd love a guy to hold me and protect me through this all. I'm feeling that this won't happen yet, as God wants me to concentrate on me and Him. I type this and look back over the words on the screen, and this perfect guy seems to be God.

I was looking through my journals last night and just looking over how much i've changed from being so self-absorbed to looking to God and just seeking him. We're talking about a period over about 2 or 3 years. It's great to see how God has worked through my life and has shown himself to me. No matter how hopeless of a person i am, God still loves me and is still working in me. So this little girl staring out upon a vast battlefield is taking up her sword.

There's hope you can trust

2005-04-22T22:53:00.000-07:00

I never thought that i'd end up in the place where i am today. It seems too far from my youth and yet i have a long time til i reach my maturity. In a matter of about two or three weeks i'll be eighteen and i never thought the day would come, but now i'm beginning to realise how afraid i am of the coming weeks months and even years. Being a young single mother won't be easy and my child won't be put in the best advantage, without a stable father.

Many may view my position as hopeless, an abused pregnant teen, but i'm looking at it from a viewpoint that it's just another spiritual challenge God is going to help me through. I do have a hope, a hope that is founded on God, and though i'm weak, He is strong.

Yes, it hurts, there's a deep throbbing in my heart that in time, God will heal.

Lately i've been reading a book focused on the first 9 chapters of proverbs. "Wisdom from Above" by Leroy Eims. Wisdom appeals to me, many of my friends have it and i just like to soak in it. It's been an interesting book so far. Most of my devotionals seem so trivial now. Devoted to Christian teens who never had much happen in their lives. I guess i'm longing more for God.

One of the most refreshing experiences is when a friend is able to tell you "that happened to me, and i survived". I guess that's why i want to reach out to hurting people. I mean i've always wanted to help people but maybe now i want to help them more specifically.

God has so much planned for me and my baby, a whole new adventure to set out upon. It's just like "The Dawntreader" by CS Lewis but with a more personal outlook. So this is like a new journey, beauty from pain, something to look forward to with great excitement.